My sister recently had her first baby. He is perfect and beautiful and I love him!! I went to visit her and her new little family when he was just 4 days old. On the first night I was there, we all went "to bed" around 10. Well, I went to bed. By myself. In a room with air conditioning which drowned out the sound of any crying babies. I awoke the next morning and emerged from my blissful sleep alone and saw the telltale signs of brand new parents who were working hard all night long to soothe and care for their sweet little bundle of joy through wading through a fog of half-awake reasoning and negotiations with your partner on what the best way to do this is. And I thought to myself, "thank Goddess I don't have to do that again."
It's not that I'm totally against having more babies, although I'm 90% certain I am....It's that first baby that is so hard to figure out. I can clearly remember the hopeless, helpless, emotionally charged first 30 days with my first child. Breast-feeding was so hard for me. Nights were so hard for me. Newborn babies cry and your emotions are raging and it's challenging to figure out what the best thing to do next is.
What makes parenting even harder is what I believe has been dubbed the "Mommy Wars." From the moment a woman announces that she is expecting, the advice starts flying. Sometimes it's helpful and sometimes its hurtful. Here is a short list of things you should refrain from saying:
"You can barely tell you are pregnant."
"Are you sure you aren't having twins? Positive?"
"Should you be eating that?"
"Are you sure you should be doing that in 'your condition'."
Many people feel like they know THE BEST way to be pregnant/give birth/feed your baby/parent. But the fact of the matter is, THE BEST way to be pregnant/give birth/feed your baby/parent is the way it will work best for you, your baby and your family. There is no exact right way. Every experience is just that: an experience.
What makes parenting easier for me is the ability to commiserate with other new parents or people who have had similar experiences. I had a horrible time learning to breastfeed. I muscled through it because I was able to do it and I knew it was "best" for my baby, but I never "loved" it. Especially not with my first. She had a weak latch and never really wanted to work too hard. For the first three months, she would nurse for 45 minutes on one side, then fall asleep and about an hour and a half later she would nurse for 45 minutes on the other side. There was not a "shortage of milk", that's just how it was. I adapted so I could be slightly useful during the day, but it was very challenging. The sling became my best friend and we ordered cable because I was basically sitting on the couch all day long.
When my first turned four months, I developed Mastitis which is an infection in the breast tissue that results in pain, swelling, and redness of the breast. You can also develop fever and chills. I was bleeding while my daughter was nursing and was in extreme pain. I consulted with a lactation consultant who said I should nurse through it, but I was absolutely miserable. I sat on the couch while my kid smiled up at my with blood dripping out of her mouth and burst into tears. My wonderful husband came to the rescue and said, "what if we tried a little formula so your body can heal?" I wept that that would make me a bad mother, a failure. My husband hugged me and told me I would not be a failure or a bad mother. He assured me that I was a great mother and that I could still nurse on one side. We discussed that I would gently pump the injured side while my body healed and then I could resume nursing and we could eliminate the formula. I agreed and we tried it. And my body healed and I resumed breast feeding and everything was fine. I didn't really talk about this a lot, at the time, but I felt so relieved that we had made that choice. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with what I did, despite what some people might think. Were there other options? I'm sure there were, but I didn't choose them and that's ok.
Here's the thing: we are all human beings. We make choices every day about how we want to live and then regardless of the outcome of our choices, life goes on. Since that time of sitting on the couch and worrying about the judgement of others based on my choice to give my kid a little formula, I've realized that it doesn't really matter what other parents do or think. Not only do I feel like I don't care what people think about my parenting, I think I shouldn't necessarily care about the choices other parents make either...I'd love to sit around and chat about what worked or didn't work for me, but I have no idea what "the right thing" to do is for you and your family. And I'm sorry if I ever acted like I did.To that mom I used to judge in the grocery store while your child was having a meltdown-I'm sorry. I totally get it now. To the parent who lets their kid watch TV so they can finally clean the fridge-Go for it! To the mom who let's their kid play with their IPhone at the restaurant so your kid doesn't lose their mind before the appetizers come-Cheers my friend! To the man on the beach the other day who got his 3 year old to clean up the beach toys with the promise of ice cream-Yes sir, whatever works!
To all the new parents out there, including my sister and Jessi and Ben: Just do your best. Your kids are lucky to have parents that are willing to do whatever it takes to make their lives great! No matter how you choose to be pregnant/give birth/feed your baby/parent, as long as you aren't putting your children in harm's way you are probably doing the right thing! And if not, I'm sure they will tell you when they grow up!
