Let's Talk About Sex, I mean, Gestational Surrogacy, Baby!

So, let’s get started. When you want to grow your friends baby there are just a few things you need to do get started.  First you need to have your weekly unit meeting with your co-workers to explain that you will be gone for the rest of the day so that you can learn about what to do in order to have someone else’s baby. Secondly, you have to go to the lab where they take your blood to ensure that you are not pregnant with your own baby and that you have no communicable diseases (if I had a dime for every time I’ve been asked if Jim is truly my only partner at this time….). Next, you must go get a sonohysterogram to “evaluate your uterine cavity” which I’m pretty sure is a-ok because you also already had to have babies before you begin this process.  NBD-The radiologist uses a speculum to crank that sucker open and insert a very small tube through the cervix and into the uterus. A small amount of water solution is then injected which is what is visible by ultrasound. During the examination you may feel cramping similar to that of a menstrual cycle.. A little iodine, “You’ll feel my hand….this is the speculum…..quick pinch and….”

BAM-there’s a picture of your uterus:

                              

I know what you are thinking-This is a

bit much. Well, get used to it. If you haven’t been a part of the pregnancy

and birth process and you are not sure

that you want to be a part of it, this may not be the blog for you. Or maybe

you are thinking, “Damn, Maggie, that’s a good looking uterus.” In which case I would say, “we all have one perfect part of ourselves.” Jessi’s got

her ovaries, Ben’s got his sperm count, Jim's got his patience and I’ve

got my uterus.

Moving on-Next you meet with the “high-risk pregnancy team” so that they can make sure that you are a “good candidate” for gestational surrogacy--

• 2 kids-Check. 
• Stable marriage-Check. 
• No outstanding health concerns-Check.  
• Previous normal and uncomplicated natural births where the result was that both Mama and babies were totally healthy-Check. 

So, then the doctor asked me what my weight gain for my other two children was like, to which I replied, well with my first I was about 25 pounds heavier at the start than I am now and gained around 40 pounds and with my second I gained about 30 or so. This doctor then advised that based on my current weight, that we would shoot for a 15 pound weight gain during the impending pregnancy. Well, this is what I would say to her if I could go back in time: 

Really? Weren’t you listening? My other two births were totally fine and EVERYONE was healthy. I don’t eat McDonald’s or foods high in saturated fats. I barely even eat food that has been processed. I exercise frequently and even teach some fitness classes. I did Zumba until 37 weeks in my last pregnancy and I couldn’t wait to get back to working out. I can guarantee that I will gain more than 15 pounds-unless there is, infact something complicating about this pregnancy. Don’t “advise” me to only gain 15 pounds. How about you advise me to be healthy and mindful about what I put in my body and to continue to exercise? If I stop caring about myself and my body during this process, someone should talk to me, but otherwise, let’s just let me be in control of my health. Jessi would not have chosen to take me up on this offer if she anticipated that there would be a complication due to excessive weight gain. We got this Doc.

And finally, head on over to the IVF Clinic to meet Dr. Davenport and Monique Van Leuven (Mo), RN, Egg Donor Coordinator. This is where they discuss the details, hand you a blue folder, and explain the other mandatory meetings you will have to attend in order to move forward.  Mo is truly THE COORDINATOR. She is basically the boss of all of us. She tells us where to go when, she calls in prescriptions, she gives us reminders and crosses our t’s and dots our i’s.  She arranged the schedule for the day I’ve just described to you so that I could actually get it all done in one day. Also, she’s funny-which is necessary for this crew.  So, as we move forward, we will be referring to her a lot. At least in the beginning.  And if you ever want to grow your friends baby, you will too.

We rounded out the day with a quick trip to the Lawyer's office where Mr. Hughes whipped up a quick "Contract Between A Genetic Father, An Intended Mother, A Gestational Carrier and a Gestational Carrier's Husband":  

WHEREAS, the Intended parents wish to have the Gestational Carrier 

carry and bear a child by having implanted into her uterus, via an assisted 

reproduction procedure (the “embryo transfer”) an embryo or embryos from 

the Intended Mother which have been fertilized with sperm from the Intended Father via in vitro fertilization (“IVF”); and that's when shit got real.

Everything really does happen for a reason (post by Jessi)

Years ago I bought my mom a magnet that says “Everything happens for a reason.” This has always been my mantra; I probably should’ve bought one for myself too.  I don’t know if it’s destiny, fate, a higher power or the forces of the universe but I have resolved to the belief that every moment and life event I’ve experienced is supposed to happen.  Sure, I still have choices on how I’m going to react or deal with a particular situation but I take comfort in knowing the journey of life is filled with good, bad and everything in between.

For the past two years, it’s as if my journey has been full of good.  This isn’t to say that there hasn’t been bad but since I’ve met Benny, the bad is practically insignificant.  I have a newfound sense of clarity and know I’m with the love of my life, surrounded by the best friends and family one could have and am completely at peace with who I am, what I stand for and how I got here.  

We are eternally grateful for the opportunity Maggie is providing for us.  In the 18 years we’ve been friends, she’s always been the “helper” and the “giver” so I’m not surprised she’d volunteer to be a carrier but I am completely overwhelmed and humbled that she’s chosen to do it for us.  I hope you will follow this blog and continue to support Maggie and her family as she embarks on one of her most selfless acts of kindness.  

What? Why?

Here’s what I did today:

I woke up and I got dressed and I helped get my two beautiful children Zoey and Emmet dressed. Zoey just turned 5 and she just started kindergarten. She loves it, but she hates getting dressed. Everything hurts and is uncomfortable and she kicks and screams when she puts her cotton leggings on. Someone puts "spikes" in those pants. I want to pull my hair out and every. Single. Day. That I forget to make her pick clothes out the night before I swear I will never make that mistake again. So after fighting with her for 20 minutes about her teeny tiny children's clothing and making threats about how I will never ever buy her anything new again if she doesn’t learn to

appreciate what she has because there are kids who don’t even have clothes to choose from (deep breath), we went down stairs and we ate breakfast and we got ready to leave for the bus.   Somewhere in the middle Emmet peed on the potty for the second time in his life (which is a super big deal for those of you who are not aware of the potty training trials and tribulations)!

Then my darling husband left for work and the three of us, Emmet, Zoey and I walked to the bus stop where Zoey kissed both Emmet and I and left us waving on the corner. Emmet, who is a 2 ½ year old rambunctious bottle of boy waved and yelled, “bye Zoey” after the bus as it drove away.  Emmet, with a race car and one hand, held my hand as I, with my coffee in the other walked back to the car where I drove him to daycare. Exclaiming as I said goodbye, "Emmet peed on the potty again, yay!" The daycare teachers were equally as excited-sidenote: daycare and preschool teachers are some of the best people on the planet! They are excited about toileting, have the patience of monks and build amazing foundations for learning for our children!!

As I started my workday I read a text from my supervisor that stated that my co-worker’s father had died in his sleep the previous night and he was headed to his hometown to work on the next steps. I cried as I thought of all that he would have to take on-all that he would have to arrange and prepare, all of this while dealing with the sadness and multitude of feelings that accompany someone in your life dying. All of the, I nevers and if only’s and I wish’s. How sad. I can't stand it when people I care about have to be so sad and there is so little I can do. I feel so helpless.

Next, I attended an adoption. By day, I’m a social worker for the Department for Children and Families and my job includes making decisions about terminating parental rights, attending court proceedings for these matters, placing children in permanent living situations and being blessed with the opportunity to attend adoptions for those children so that they can become permanent members of new families where the parents are able and willing to love and care for them, to keep them safe and to remain committed to them forever-some kids call them “forever families”. This particular kid had been in the custody of the state for far too long….years…..before I even worked there and all that kid wanted was to be adopted. The birth parent did not want this and tried to prevent it from happening, but the kids best interests prevailed and the system was able to ensure that she could be adopted just before her 18th birthday. This young lady flitted around the court room happy as a clam. When the judge entered and sat down and greeted her, she burst into tears. Her imminently adopted parents both reached out for her and the judge asked if she was okay. She replied, “I’m just so happy.”

I then picked my 2 year old up from daycare and rushed home to turn the crock pot off and rush back out the door to my daughter’s soccer game, where my darling husband is the coach. This consists of 8-10 kindergartner’s running around a field in a clump toward a ball, not caring in which direction they are kicking. I watched this from waaaay across the playground and field where I am forced by my insistent 2 year old to push him on the swing-first the big then the baby then the big then the baby. Higher. Higher. Can I go higher mommy?  Approximately 1 hour later we all headed home where we put the final touches on our crock pot meal while Emmet screamed at the top of his lungs for no reason and Zoey begged me to play with her while I promised that dinner would be ready in just a minute. Once that became true, Zoey refused to sit at the table and told me that dinner was “annoying” and that she “hated” rice. What? Nobody hates rice. Kindergarten vocabulary is “annoying” and I “hate” it.

Bedtime came and my darling husband and I divided and conquered based on time constraints. Zoey asked me to put her to bed while Daddy put Emmet down. Zoey asked me to sing to her and I did, as always. She asked for “Rows and Flows” which can be interpreted to “Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchell. I sang and she was asleep by the end of the song. I looked at her and wished that time would slow down, or even stop just for a minute. Because it’s true what they say, once kids are in school they grow up so fast and then…..just like that…..I laid there for a few more moments watching her, feeling lucky to be her mom. Then I tucked her in, kissed her nose and closed the door.

So that’s why I know this is the right thing to do. Because everyone deserves to love someone that much. Everyone should have someone to take care of them once they have left this earth. Every soul deserves a parent that was meant to be theirs. Everyone deserves to be happy.

And so it begins....

There we are. Me and Jessi. On her boat, the "Sloppy Toona".  Beautiful day isn't it (Photos courtesy of Rosemary Wright, futurely known as Rosemary Ingvoldstad and if you say is with a rich German accent it just feels right)?  That's the day we first talked about me becoming a Gestational Surrogate for her and her partner, Ben Jacobs. It all started when she was telling us about her true love for Ben and how they were going to move in together and how even though she never wanted to have children before, but now, because of her true love, she does.

Cue Rosey (see details above): "Jessi, can you have babies?" We love her because of/despite her directness. Jessi has a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD) which in layman’s terms is a hole in her heart.  When she was born, doctors expected that the hole would close on its own with time and there was no need for surgery to repair it.  But the hole never closed and as a result, she developed Eisenmenger’s Syndrome - read 30% - 60% maternal mortality rate.

  

Jessi had thought about this and she and Ben had discussed the possibility of not being able to have children. What they had decided was that Jessi would meet with the High Risk Pregnancy Team at Fletcher Allen Health Care and they would help determine what the risks of Jessi carrying and giving birth to a baby would be.  Cue Rosey, "But what if you can't have a baby??" (Thank Goddess she asks so we don't have too!). And Girl Scout Jessi replies, "Then we'll have  a surrogate." Jessi expressed that she would love to have had either of her sisters-pause-Jessi and I both are lucky enough to have two sisters. Jessi is the oldest of three, Dr. April in the middle and the baby, Amber, who is actually a grown-up. I am in the middle. OLDER sister Sarah and the baby, Rebecca, who is also actually a grow-up.-Un-pause. Unfortunately neither of those sisters have had children and doctor's don't like to see surrogate's who have not previously had "live births" (the language in this blog is largely what the medical community uses when discussing surrogacies and what not. It's not meant to be insensitive, but it just is sometimes). Jessi went on to say that she would love to have someone she knew, but she didn't have anyone else to do it. 

"I'll do it." Maggie blurts out. Silence. "I'm really good at having babies. And I should probably talk to Jim, but I'll do it."

We went on to discuss possible details, timelines (I didn't want to start until after the following summer) and what not and then resumed our fun on the open water of Lake Champlain.

Unfortunately we have no pictures of our photographer, Rosey, but she was there. We couldn't have done it without her.

That additional person is Erin Armstrong. Also a friend from high school. Erin, Rosey, Jessi and Maggie all continue to live in Vermont and try and maintain a at least bi-monthly outing together.