Winter Storm Vulcan

No news is good news. Accept when you are writing a blog about fertility challenges, then no news is usually not great. March 8th was when we were to report to the lab for blood work to determine if the embryos had attached or not. But Jessi and I are go-getters so on Wednesday, March 5th I woke up and took a digital advanced pregnancy test with a "weeks estimator" and it quickly indicated that I was 1-2 weeks pregnant! I text Jessi immediately and we virtually wept with one another.

After being cheerfully reprimanded by our good nurse, Mo, she happily agreed to allow us to come in for a blood test. So I picked Jessi up from work to the tune of "Happy" by Pharrell Williams, because, really, when is that not playing on the radio? And we buzzed on over to the lab with a skip in our step and a sparkle in our eyes!

Later that day Mo emailed us that my Hcg levels looked good and she wanted me back in 48 hours to monitor the Hcg levels which are expected to double every 48-72 hours. Friday's (March 7th) test indicated that my Hcg level had doubled and we were living easy, especially since we were still one day early! However, writes Mo, "Dr. D does want ONE MORE blood test on Sunday, just so we can track the hormone levels in the “correct” time frame. Dr. Ambroggio and Dr. Merhi are on this weekend so I’ll let them know to either contact you, or let me know so I can email both of you at the same time. On Monday, I’ll schedule an ultrasound for you for around 6 ½ - 7 weeks."

Sunday rolls around and I don't have a care in the world. I teach my first Zumba® class in 2 weeks and head on over to the lab for my blood test. After a short period of time where we only harassed poor Mo, who I'm pretty sure doesn't work 24 hours a day, but seems to respond to our emails at all of those times, we received this:

Okay, so Maggie's hormone level went up, but only to 143. We need to repeat Tuesday.

So... Stay on the patches and Endometrin for now. Maggie - are you having any bleeding or cramping?

Sent from my iPhone

I have always thought that once the embryos stuck, it would be no big deal to hold on to them. I'm great at being pregnant. As previously noted, both Jessi and I were surprised that this didn't work on the first try, but even so, I still thought if it's in it's a win! Multiple worst case scenarios flew through my brain. I texted Jessi to see if she was ok and she was convinced it was a "chemical pregnancy" or an "early miscarriage". This was confusing because my body didn't feel any different-and I had signs that I was pregnant. I emailed Mo asking, "you don't think it worked?" Mo reported that she did think it worked but was worried about an ectopic pregnancy. After my husband researched ectopic pregnancy and secured some life insurance, I consulted with a friend who experienced several IVF cycles before being blessed with a super smart whipper snapper of perfection and a follow-up, surprise, no-assistance-needed baby! My friend reported that she had what they in the fertility business call a "vanishing twin" which resulted in an initially normal report of Hcg numbers and a subsequent slow-down in the "doubling" of the numbers. So this was what I settled on. It was clearly one of these two things.

Those in direct contact with me may disagree, but I feel that thus far, aside from some excessive crying, I have done a pretty great job of keeping my emotions intact. I have worked really hard not to "use" my hormonal imbalance against others or as an excuse to react in completely unreasonable ways, but this? This put me right over the edge. The following "work week" was fairly unproductive. On Tuesday when I went in for my FOURTH blood test and then got the email that they still weren't sure and wanted me to return to the lab on Thursday for another blood test, weather permitting, I really lost it. I stifled back some tears, but sniffled away. I became enraged with modern medicine. Really!?! They can make an embryo in a petrie dish and then transfer it to a stranger but there is no better way to indicate WTF is going on inside my body?

On Wednesday, Winter Storm Vulcan hit. I can't understand why or when we started naming snow storms. Back when I was a kid, we never named the storm and we never canceled school ahead of time. Multiple "wasted" snow days occur out of this new phenomenon. As a Vermonter, I see it as my duty to drive around town at least one time during said snowstorm just to be able to report how bad it actually is. Well, on Wednesday as I prepared to leave work at 5:45, my windshield wipers broke....Not just the wipers but the actual arm of the wiper. I called Jim to blame and swear at him, then I proceeded to sit in the parking lot of my office and weep, uncontrollably for about 10 minutes before making a new plan and moving on. Jim couldn't help me because he has yet to outfit his car with snow tires. I transferred all of my belongings into my backup plan and head home. I probably should have just taken my car with the broken windshield wipers home because it was challenging to see behind the veil of tears I wore on the way home.

That night, Vermont watched as school after school and business after business was delayed or canceled due the the great storm Vulcan. You know what wasn't canceled or delayed? My work. I awoke Thursday morning and prepared for work as my family lay snug in their beds. I put on my winter gear at 7 AM and shoveled my way to my backup plan of a car, which was totally and completely buried by snow. My wonderful neighbor assisted me in the completion of unburying my car and at 7:30 when I went back in to take off my snow gear, blow-dry my hair, again, and head out for the day.

I drove straight to the hospital to get my labwork done. There were few cars on the road and the ones that were on the road were often stopped in the middle of the highway unable to continue to move due to the slippery conditions. I entered the hospital which was basically a ghost town. No one was ahead of me at the lab and I handed my purple check-in sheet to the phlebotomist. He called me up moments later to inform me that they had no order for me in the system. WHAT? Perfect. He offered to call customer service. I assured him that I would run on up to the clinic and take care of it myself.

I jog on up the two flights of stairs and walk up to the check-in desk.

"May I help you?" (big smile)

"Yep. I was told to come to the lab for a blood test this morning, during this snowstorm, and there is no order for me." (no smile) "Is Mo here yet?"

"Um, no," two receptionists look at eachother, "should we get Brenda, let's get Brenda."

Poor. Fucking. Brenda.

I throw myself into a chair and wait. Brenda comes out with a post-it pad.

"Hi, how can I help you." (big smile)

"Well, I shoveled my car out of 2 feet of snow this morning to be here bright and early for a blood test so that I could get to work, and there is no order for me." (no smile)

"Ok. What are they testing for?" (medium smile)

"I don't know, Hcg levels?" (sarcastic grimace)

"Ok. Is this your first blood test?"

Dramatic turn to Brenda with a look of hatred on my face, "no, it's my fifth." I was basically spitting venom.

Brenda backed away and assured me she would take care of it right away.

"Like now? Cause I have to go to work."

I stomped down to the 2nd level where the lab is and say in passing, "it's coming" to the phlebotomist. He informs me moments later that he's ready and as I settle into my seat he asks, "how is your day going?" HA! I answered him honestly at which point he begged me to have a better day moving forward.

Later that day Mo emails:

So… Dr. Merhi wants you to come in for ultrasound Monday. I’d like to get you in as early as possible, during our IVF time. Can you come in around 8:30?

You’ll technically be 5 weeks pregnant tomorrow. At this very early stage, an ultrasound will only show us if there’s anything in your uterus (or anywhere else). It’s too soon to see a heartbeat, which would indicate viability. If there’s a gestational sac in the uterus, it will be a reassuring sign, but we’ll have Maggie come in for another scan at a time when a heartbeat would be seen.

I might have lost my marbles if I had had to wait through the weekend, so I reply:

So if there is no sac would that point to ectopic? I don't understand why we can't do the ultrasound today or tomorrow. This is literally the most stressed out I have ever been. This waiting is excruciating. The possibility of an ectopic is stressful for me and my family.

I win and an ultrasound is scheduled for the following day.

As I enter the clinic there is a line of people leading to the exam room that we have been working with. Every person I see gives me that warm, "hang in there" smile, tinged with a bit of concern. I'm assuming that they have heard of my lunacy with nurse Brenda the previous day and are worried that I've really gone off the deep-end. Mo, Dr. D and the nurse who administers the ultrasound are all in the exam room and we get straight to business.

Here is what we see:

A collective sigh of relief escapes everyone in the room....And I'm pretty sure Mo cried a little bit. I did too. That dark spot in the middle is a gestational sac. In my uterus. This is good news. We don't know if it's viable or not yet and we have another ultrasound scheduled on March 24th, the anniversary of when I first met Jim. At that time we will be listening for a heartbeat.

Dr. D was not ready to say congratulations yet. We are so early in the process, it's difficult to predict what will happen. I remember when I was pregnant with my first baby, Zoey. At about 6 weeks I had an appointment with Tapestry Midwifery in Vergennes. Martha was the name of my midwife and she was everything I would ever want in a midwife. There is this idea that you aren't supposed to tell anyone that you are pregnant until you are through with the first trimester. One of the reasons is because the first trimester is the most fragile time in pregnancy. I asked Martha what she thought about this and she replied,

"What you have to think about is how you want others to respond if it is unsuccessful. Do you want people to surround you with support or are you someone who wants to heal on your own. Once you consider that, you can decide. But there is no right way."

There is no right way. We're all just doing the best we can.