37 weeks! (post by jessi)

BGJ is a Scorpio!  After our appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine on September 2^nd we knew that if she showed signs of distress at any of the weekly checkups, Maggie could be induced right there on the spot.  I worried for Maggie having to experience an emergency birth and I worried for BGJ being born too soon.  As each week passed, we got closer and closer to full term – 37 weeks.  Ironically, yesterday also marked the start of what will be BGJs astrological sign, Scorpio.

See, I have a weird thing with Scorpios.  I’m not sure if it’s that there’s an unusually high number of Scorpios who’ve had a significant impact on me or if it’s a combination of coincidence and a Scorpio’s general nature that draws me to them.  But I love my Scorpios.  So, without further ado, here’s a list of my favorite Scorpios:

1.       Maggie Van Duyn, 10/30.  BFF for 20 years!

2.       Kate Jerman, 11/1.  BFF for 24 years!

3.       Colleen Boyd, 11/10.  BFF for 27 years!

4.       Jay Fish, 10/29.  My one and only totally awesome sister-in-law!

5.       Benny Jacobs, 11/20.  My love, my life, my one and only!

6.       Baby Girl Jacobs, TBD.  OMG, it’s destiny!

And a special shout out to all of my other favorite Scorpios – Jenifoo, Nurse Mo, Mini Mi Kacie, Katarina, Jeannine, Kare-bear, Dwade, Reyvan, Jenny, Baby Celia, Baby Hebert, Lori, Jim, Uncle Danny, Uncle Timmy & Alexa!    

 

Musings of a First Time Expectant Mom via Gestational Surrogacy with a BFF (post by jessi)

• In contrast to Maggie’s previous post about whittling down the unused belongings in her house, my house has exploded with baby paraphernalia.  I had no idea there was so much gear associated with childrearing.  Actually, I knew there was a lot of baby stuff out there but I thought I’d be that thrifty minimalist mom who’d immediately identify an item as frivolous versus the absolutely essential.  NEWS FLASH from the Department of DUH:  We have no idea what we’re doing.  If a friend offers us something, we’re taking it unless we already have something similar.  I would hate to have to buy something later that a friend offered us for free now.  So yeah, our basement is full of random things BGJ will most likely use at some point in her early years. Here's to hoping the wolf spiders don't nest in any of it.  

[Off topic rant - in the fall of last year I grabbed a coat from the basement closet because it was a little cool that morning.  Then, as I was driving 75 mph on the interstate, a GIANT wolf spider crawled out from under my sleeve and onto my hand.  It's nothing short of a miracle that I'm alive to tell you the story today.]

• We’re also in a hand-me-down train with my dear friend Erin who has two daughters, one who was born in November last year.  Every time I see her she shoves a bag of clothes in my face.  I can tell that this arrangement is going to work out well for both of us. 
• Does anyone actually fold newborn clothes?  I tried for half a second and then realized it's a futile effort.  They're now shoved in the drawers of the changing table.  Don't judge.  Also, those itty bitty socks are already driving me nuts.  Babe's going to wear mismatched socks until she's 5.
• Speaking of baby clothes, I never really noticed how cute and adorable they are until I started envisioning my own child in them.  At my baby shower, I was schooled on Dreft.  How is it that I’ve never even heard of it before?  Anyway, the Seventh Generation Free and Clear soap was cheaper so I went with that.  I’ve washed all of the clothes, sheets, blankets, etc.  You guys, even the lint is adorable!
• Our days of keeping the house at a cool 62 degrees and sleeping with the bedroom window open in the dead of winter will soon be over.  I tried explaining this to Benny a few nights ago and he pretended to be asleep.  Jokes on you, sucka!  You're going to pretend to sleep for the unforeseeable future.
• Last night I got this.  

I quickly took this picture, sent it to Maggie and then haphazardly taped it to the fridge. I woke this morning to a reply from her that said “That is amazing! You should save it forever.” So naturally, I marched right over to the fridge, carefully peeled it off and proceeded to laminate it before I even started the coffee machine. I then realized that for the rest of my life, I will do whatever Maggie says. Let’s all hope she uses her power for good, not evil.
• I tried on the Boba wrap this week.  The picture on the box is a lie. 

NAILED IT! 

Nesting for the Surrogate

About a month and a half ago I decided that for Zoey's birthday we would redo her bedroom to make it more organized and complete. I perused Pinterest for good ideas for small spaces, I searched for new rugs and we painted a bed frame we acquired from our neighbors. It was very important that this project be complete and perfect. I even attempted to instruct all of the grandparents to only buy her presents for her bedroom for her birthday. They all ignored me.

That's when I realized what was happening. I was nesting. It occurred to me that this "non-baby nesting" could be super beneficial for my family. Jim was already working on the kitchen, which has been in various states of disrepair since June and I really couldn't help with that, so I moved on to all of the other rooms in the house. Jim has been thrilled!

I totally reorganized the playroom and threw out all of the broken toys, the toys that were missing pieces, costumes that don't fit, and things that I hate. I have to say, the kids haven't noticed and the feeling of getting rid of things has been exhilarating! Less is definitely more. We even have decided to tell the grandparents that for Christmas we only want them to get the kids gift certificates for activities instead of toys. (I wonder if they'll listen to me this time!)

I went through about 15 bins in the attic and separated the Good Will from the Sell to Once Upon a Child from the hand-me-downs for all of the adorable new babies in my life. I've offered every single unused piece of furniture in the attic to friends and family. If I could lift more things, my attic would probably be empty.

I utilized my friends to move my furniture around and plan to get rid of one of the couches we have to swap it for a chaise lounge that I have yet to find. I bought a house plant. I made a list of easy projects for me to complete while I'm on medical leave. I'm basically about to become a DIY queen. Those six weeks are going to change my home! It's going to be like a "While You Were Out" episode for Jim every day!

I'm actually really enjoying putting this much energy into my home. I'm feeling positive about the purging of belongings. I've never been sentimental about stuff and honestly I would prefer to have very little. The more I get rid of the more I want to get rid of. I just want things I love! Convincing my family to adopt this attitude is a little bit harder. We still have tons of stuff and piles of junk that I'm slowly sorting through, but I believe that I will get through it!  And when I do, my house will look clean and organized and Pinterest perfect!

Where there's smoke.... (post by jessi)

Wednesday night, our smoke alarm went off around midnight.  It wasn’t the stupid chirping sound that happens when the battery is low.  It was the “OMFG wake up, there’s a fire in your house” sound.  A split second after it started, Benny asked, “What is that?!”  He must’ve been still half asleep because there is NO mistaking the terrible, terrible screech of a smoke alarm in the middle of the night.

 

We both leapt out of bed in a panic.  Was it the smoke alarm or the carbon monoxide detector?  Am I going to have to jump out of a window? Did the furnace catch on fire?  Are we going to lose our house? Ahhhh, OMG stop with the screeching already, we’re awake dammit!!!!!

 

By this time, my heart was pounding out of my chest.  I was in full blown panic mode and I’d just barely hopped out of bed.   As we stepped onto the landing of our bedroom, it was literally impossible to determine which smoke alarm was going off.  Our house has a huge open space from the ground floor to the 3^rd floor (A cathedral ceiling?  I’m not sure what it’s called, really) and so sound travels throughout the house very easily.   We go downstairs with poor doggy in tow (I'm sure all of that screeching was really painful for her), and we finally find the ballistic smoke alarm.  Benny shuts it off.  There is no smoke.  There is no fire.  There is no emergency.  Stupid smoke alarm.

 

We head back to bed and Benny almost immediately falls back to sleep.  Jerk.  J  I, on the other hand, lay there trying to calm my nerves and figure out how a smoke alarm could malfunction like that.  I think about all of the possible scenarios that could’ve just played out if there actually was a fire.  I think about what that experience would’ve been like if BGJ was asleep in her crib and I begin to feel very vulnerable.  As someone who’s never been particularly strong or level-headed in emergency situations, will I be able to rise to the call of duty for my child or will I fall faint?  No joke, I'm really a fainter.  It was completely overwhelming and a bit traumatizing to feel all of this self doubt over a stupid malfunctioning smoke alarm.

   

Eventually I fall asleep and when I wake up, I’m still a bit disturbed by the whole thing.  Benny makes me a coffee and I follow my usual morning ritual of reading up on my favorite blogs, one of which is called Rookie Moms.  I almost choked when I saw the newest post, Creative New Products for Parents. 

Holy. Crap.

Irony (post by jessi)

In summer 2012, I met with Maternal Fetal Medicine at Fletcher Allen Health Care to discuss my reproductive options.  Aside from a 30% - 60% chance of death, I would probably be very sick in the second and third trimesters, spend most of my time at the hospital being monitored or worse, on bed rest at the hospital. Even if I didn’t die during (or soon after) pregnancy, I would have a very small and/or premature baby with high medical needs.  Talk about being scared straight! 

Fast forward exactly 2 years and 3 days and I find myself in the same examination room at FAHC discussing our small baby.  Ahhhh, the irony! 

As you already know, the prognosis is great for both Maggie and BGJ.  Our OB thinks she’s conditionally small – meaning she’d be small even without an SUA.  We’re not giant people, Benny and I, and there’s a lot of diminutiveness on both sides of our families.  But because of the umbilical cord anomaly, we need a monitoring plan to confirm that BGJ does not go into distress.  Our first weekly monitoring appointment was this past Monday and all is well.  1 down, 8 more to go.  That’s in addition to the regular OB checkups at Maitri, which brings us up to 2 appointments per week until BGJ arrives.  Oy!        

With each appointment to check on BJG, I’m less anxious and more confident that everything is going to be just fine – for everyone.  This situation is completely out of our control and nothing that Maggie does (or doesn’t do) will affect the outcome – just so long as she doesn’t pick up smoking cigarettes or crack.  Of all the pregnancy complications to choose from, (and I’m not really sure complication is the correct term in this context) an SUA is one of the least scary to research with Dr Google.  If you've consulted Dr Google for any medical information, you  know that that speaks volumes! 

A benefit of gestational surrogacy with a BFF is that I could vicariously experience pregnancy through Maggie.  Aside from the fetal echocardiogram to make sure BGJ didn’t inherit my heart defect, I assumed we’d follow a predictable care schedule with just two ultrasounds and then somewhere around 40 weeks Maggie would go into labor and deliver.  There wouldn’t be dozens of appointments and consults with various specialties or the weight of worrying about my health or the health of the baby. I looked forward to a smooth, text book maternity experience as well as the opportunity to see just how those healthy people without chronic conditions had a baby without modern medicine being all up in your face.   

And here’s my point to all this rambling:  How ironic is it that instead of living vicariously through Maggie, she is now getting a small taste of what the pregnancy could’ve been like for me?

Mind blown.

 

Although, there’s a HUGE upside to all of this third trimester attention:  Tons and tons of looks at BGJ.  For your viewing pleasure:



 

 

P.S. Our last ultrasound technician was super fun and tried to get us a 3-D profile or face shot of BGJ but to no surprise, this little one is a strong willed Scorpio who's not a fan of the ultrasound waves so all we got was a weird ear shot.  I'll spare you that image.  Well-played, BGJ.

 

ETA

At the 20 week ultrasound we were told that BGJ (Baby Girl Jacobs) was measuring on the small side and Maitri recommended doing an additional scan (level 2?) at Fletcher Allen to make sure things were okay. They also noted that there was a Single Umbilical Cord (SUA), which means that instead of the typical 2 artery/1 vein cord, this baby only has on artery.

A few days after that we headed up to FAHC for the second scan. All of the measurements looked fantastic. Head, heart, kidneys, bones, neck folds....They checked the whole, sweet, itty-bitty baby and noted nothing else of significance. Yet, she was still teeny tiny and had the SUA going for her. We were offered additional genetic testing, but opted out. However, we were told that an additional growth scan would take place around 28 weeks.

By 28 weeks, my brain had basically turned to mush. I can't remember anything. I'm fairly emotionally fragile and to top it all off, my daughter started first grade, which creates for a busy time of year. Getting kids out of the glory of summer nights and into a strict bedtime routine is no joke. In fact, it's not a funny at all. It's torture. For everyone. There is basically no down time for parents because you spend 2 hours negotiating with your kids why they need to go to bed and then you're too exhausted to do anything but collapse on your bed-Which hasn't even been comfortable lately because it is approximately 1,000 degrees with a million percent humidity....And don't even get me started on this g.d. ragweed ridiculousness. I basically need an oxygen tank to breath.

So I arrived late to my first appointment of the week and needed to reschedule for the following day, which was fine, because they hadn't booked us for a room with an ultrasound machine thing, so I'm not really sure what the deal was. The doctor at our rescheduled appointment seemed to have missed the memo about what was going on in the room. I am fairly certain she thought I just brought some random couple to the appointment and had no idea that the baby was actually theirs. When the scan showed that the baby was still small, she panicked and fled, announcing that FAHC would call us for an additional scan. But don't worry, she momentarily peaked her head back in to ask if we had any questions. I'm barely exaggerating.

A week and a half later we had an additional scan and a great doctor that was very thorough and clear about the plan in the coming weeks, so here goes:

BGJ is measuring small for her gestational age. Any time a baby is below the bottom 5% the doctor's recommend weekly growth scans and doppler readings. The doppler readings study the blood flow between me and BGJ. Starting at 32 weeks they will add a Non-Stress Test which will monitor BGJ's heart rate both while BGJ is moving and when she's not moving. If at any point, BGJ stops or slows in her growth or she appears in distress then I will be induced and we will all get to meet BGJ earlier than expected! Although we would love to keep her in as long as possible, we also can't wait to meet her.

BGJ looks great, really. She's just a peanut. So we will do our best to keep you posted in the coming weeks. We are in the final stretch for sure!

Do Your Best

Blog posts seem to be few and far between, but in our defense, we are experiencing the glorious and simple second trimester of pregnancy. Not a lot happens. I continue to feel comfortable, therefore delaying any complaints I may have for Ben and Jessi in the future. BGJ (Baby Girl Jacobs) grows while nestled literally in the lowest part possible in my body. She's been moving and shaking to let me know she's doing ok. She prefers to do this at night and in the morning. She looks good, I don't have gestational diabetes or any issues with my iron intake. Plus, it's summer and my kids are home and enjoying the freedom summer has to offer! I'm spending all of my free time playing with them. But alas, here is the latest blog post in an effort to support all of the new mamas in my life!

My sister recently had her first baby. He is perfect and beautiful and I love him!! I went to visit her and her new little family when he was just 4 days old. On the first night I was there, we all went "to bed" around 10. Well, I went to bed. By myself. In a room with air conditioning which drowned out the sound of any crying babies. I awoke the next morning and emerged from my blissful sleep alone and saw the telltale signs of brand new parents who were working hard all night long to soothe and care for their sweet little bundle of joy through wading through a fog of half-awake reasoning and negotiations with your partner on what the best way to do this is. And I thought to myself, "thank Goddess I don't have to do that again."

It's not that I'm totally against having more babies, although I'm 90% certain I am....It's that first baby that is so hard to figure out. I can clearly remember the hopeless, helpless, emotionally charged first 30 days with my first child. Breast-feeding was so hard for me. Nights were so hard for me. Newborn babies cry and your emotions are raging and it's challenging to figure out what the best thing to do next is.

What makes parenting even harder is what I believe has been dubbed the "Mommy Wars." From the moment a woman announces that she is expecting, the advice starts flying. Sometimes it's helpful and sometimes its hurtful. Here is a short list of things you should refrain from saying:

"You can barely tell you are pregnant."
"Are you sure you aren't having twins? Positive?"
"Should you be eating that?"
"Are you sure you should be doing that in 'your condition'."

Many people feel like they know THE BEST way to be pregnant/give birth/feed your baby/parent. But the fact of the matter is, THE BEST way to be pregnant/give birth/feed your baby/parent is the way it will work best for you, your baby and your family. There is no exact right way. Every experience is just that: an experience.

What makes parenting easier for me is the ability to commiserate with other new parents or people who have had similar experiences. I had a horrible time learning to breastfeed. I muscled through it because I was able to do it and I knew it was "best" for my baby, but I never "loved" it. Especially not with my first. She had a weak latch and never really wanted to work too hard. For the first three months, she would nurse for 45 minutes on one side, then fall asleep and about an hour and a half later she would nurse for 45 minutes on the other side. There was not a "shortage of milk", that's just how it was. I adapted so I could be slightly useful during the day, but it was very challenging. The sling became my best friend and we ordered cable because I was basically sitting on the couch all day long.

When my first turned four months, I developed Mastitis which is an infection in the breast tissue that results in pain, swelling, and redness of the breast. You can also develop fever and chills. I was bleeding while my daughter was nursing and was in extreme pain. I consulted with a lactation consultant who said I should nurse through it, but I was absolutely miserable. I sat on the couch while my kid smiled up at my with blood dripping out of her mouth and burst into tears. My wonderful husband came to the rescue and said, "what if we tried a little formula so your body can heal?" I wept that that would make me a bad mother, a failure. My husband hugged me and told me I would not be a failure or a bad mother. He assured me that I was a great mother and that I could still nurse on one side. We discussed that I would gently pump the injured side while my body healed and then I could resume nursing and we could eliminate the formula. I agreed and we tried it. And my body healed and I resumed breast feeding and everything was fine. I didn't really talk about this a lot, at the time, but I felt so relieved that we had made that choice. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with what I did, despite what some people might think. Were there other options? I'm sure there were, but I didn't choose them and that's ok.

Here's the thing: we are all human beings. We make choices every day about how we want to live and then regardless of the outcome of our choices, life goes on. Since that time of sitting on the couch and worrying about the judgement of others based on my choice to give my kid a little formula, I've realized that it doesn't really matter what other parents do or think. Not only do I feel like I don't care what people think about my parenting, I think I shouldn't necessarily care about the choices other parents make either...I'd love to sit around and chat about what worked or didn't work for me, but I have no idea what "the right thing" to do is for you and your family. And I'm sorry if I ever acted like I did.

To that mom I used to judge in the grocery store while your child was having a meltdown-I'm sorry. I totally get it now. To the parent who lets their kid watch TV so they can finally clean the fridge-Go for it! To the mom who let's their kid play with their IPhone at the restaurant so your kid doesn't lose their mind before the appetizers come-Cheers my friend! To the man on the beach the other day who got his 3 year old to clean up the beach toys with the promise of ice cream-Yes sir, whatever works!

To all the new parents out there, including my sister and Jessi and Ben: Just do your best. Your kids are lucky to have parents that are willing to do whatever it takes to make their lives great! No matter how you choose to be pregnant/give birth/feed your baby/parent, as long as you aren't putting your children in harm's way you are probably doing the right thing! And if not, I'm sure they will tell you when they grow up!