I'm surprised by my lapse in writing. It's not for lack of content. There have been at least 15 occasions on which I thought- Hey, that would be a great blog topic. And I have been harboring this blog title for quite some time. But shit happens and then it's December.
So Jessi and I were together when we found out the last transfer was a no go. I had talked her into trying out a class called "Barre Sculpt" where you hold onto a ballet barre like a beautiful ballerina whilst pulling your abdominal muscles to your spine, lifting your leg so your toes touch the top of your head and swearing like a sailor. It's amazing. You would love it! In our company was one of our all-time favorite yoga teachers who appeared effortless at these tasks and a great, motivating, inspirational caring fitness follower who is one of those people who makes you feel like a million bucks every time you see her. Mid-class Jessi ran to the bathroom when her phone rang. I followed and made eye contact with her as she subtly shook her head no. Not knowing what to do next, I retreated and returned to my mat on the floor to squeeze, lift and lengthen some more. The instructor went on, giving cues "if you have lower back issues or are pregnant, don't do this." I wasn't. So I did.
And then. Then. The hot beats of Boom Boom Pow filled the air and I thought, "it's a sign."
I don't really know what the sign indicated. I can't tell. It could have been inspirational. Comforting. Coincidence. Nothing else indicated anything so it probably didn't mean anything.
After a few drunk texts between Jessi and I, we came up with a new plan. Not while drunk, don't worry. We were given the choice of repeating the hormone treatments that we had just failed with or using my natural cycle. Jessi figured that I had done this before with my natural cycle, so why not try it!
All of the hormones I had taken up to this point had been in an effort to have the doctor's control my cycle and have my cycle "sync" with Jessi's natural cycle so that the embryos would be happier. Well, that didn't work, did it? But I have done this before...So maybe I can do it without someone else "controlling" how my body works.
On Tuesday, when I went into the clinic for my first ultrasound since the failed transfer, Dr. D was super impressed with the thickness of my endometrium. By Thursday, he was less impressed, but still willing to go forward. And I asked the question, "is it possible that my endometrium is just thinner than other endometriums?" "Yes," he says, "but statistics say...."
And what did we learn about statistics?
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Statistics schmatistics (post by Jessi)
Maggie, Ben and I headed into this life-altering journey armed with statistics. Based on my age and Maggie's age, we had a 60% chance towards a positive outcome. The odds were in our favor considering those statistics were based on success rates for women (or their partners) with known fertility issues. None of us have any problems going on with our downstairs. If you've followed this blog for any time you'd know that my eggs are perfecto, Ben's sperm army is nothing short than admirable and Maggie's ute has produced two gorgeous children without any complications and required nothing more than "legs up the wall pose" for planned conception. Maybe we were a little over-confident, but wouldn't you be, too, given the circumstances?
We only got three embryos (8 eggs from retrieval, 3 of which fertilized). Two embryos were transferred and failed which leaves us with one frozen embryo. The odds are already stacked against us for the next transfer because just like any fruit, vegetable or meat, fresh is better than frozen. The embryos transferred on 11/4 were both fresh and Grade A. Bet you didn't know that embryos are graded! Last time I heard, our sole frozen embryo was a Grade B. Because of its inferior grade, it's less likely to nestle into Maggie's ute than the two As but there's still a chance. How much of a chance, you ask? Hell if I know! [Oh shit, did I just say that? I've had two margaritas and now I'm channeling my Grandpa Holcomb with the "hell if I know" shit! - Also, sorry for the swearing, Grandma, but you know . . . tequila.]
Special thanks to all of you who've kept the positive vibes, prayers, love and support flowing and will no doubt continue to do so as we embark onto chapter two. Also, thank you to my parents who kept my mind busy this afternoon by blowing up my ceiling fan (No, really Dad. That fan was already half dead.) And taking me out to dinner because otherwise I probably would've just eaten microwaved cheese. Finally thank you all of you reading this and those that sent happy, supportive texts, vmails, etc (you know who you are). Today's winner is our BFF, Kate.
 |
| At any rate, we pick ourselves up and carry on. 'Cause that's what people like us do! |
Thanks for the laugh. This chapter is now closed. Chapter two begins NOW.
Participating in Miracles
There is this feeling that you have when you leave the hospital, or your home, or the birthing center after giving birth to your first child. It's like you can't believe that the rest of the world continued to go on as normal, while you have been participating in miracles....It's surreal. You want to stop everyone you see and tell them, "do you know what just happened? The world became a better place because I made this baby. See?"
Today, Jessi and I are headed back into FAHC to do a blood test that will determine my HCG levels which will indicate if the embryos are nestled all snug in their bed or not. We have had almost no contact with the IVF clinic since the transfer. I really miss Nurse Mo so I'm really excited to check in with her but I am also becoming increasingly nervous.
I could barely sleep. I am going over every move I've made in the past 10 days. Every bit of food I ate. People have been asking me how I feel. If I feel "pregnant". I feel guilty when I say no. Mo told me I wouldn't be able to tell, but I mean, I seriously have NO IDEA. I have noticed slight changes in my body-My digestion, "the ladies" are a little sore, but other than that-NOTHING.
I hope I didn't screw this up. I hope Jessi and I get a phone call later that confirms that we are participating in miracles.
Today, Jessi and I are headed back into FAHC to do a blood test that will determine my HCG levels which will indicate if the embryos are nestled all snug in their bed or not. We have had almost no contact with the IVF clinic since the transfer. I really miss Nurse Mo so I'm really excited to check in with her but I am also becoming increasingly nervous.
I could barely sleep. I am going over every move I've made in the past 10 days. Every bit of food I ate. People have been asking me how I feel. If I feel "pregnant". I feel guilty when I say no. Mo told me I wouldn't be able to tell, but I mean, I seriously have NO IDEA. I have noticed slight changes in my body-My digestion, "the ladies" are a little sore, but other than that-NOTHING.
I hope I didn't screw this up. I hope Jessi and I get a phone call later that confirms that we are participating in miracles.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Transfer Day (post by Jessi)
Today, November 7th, is exactly 300 days from my
first appointment with the docs at the Reproductive Endocrinology and
Infertility clinic. I met with Dr Merhi
for a consult and we talked at a high level about the process for gestational
surrogacy, success rates, risks, costs and our ideal timeline. When I think back to that day, it feels like
a lifetime ago. And yet, the last three
weeks have passed in a total blur.
Transfer day is the day we have all been waiting for. It is the end result from the prerequisite
appointments, screenings, procedures and drug therapy. It’s the day the embryo leaves its simulated
environment for a natural one, aka Maggie’s ute (ute = fun short hand for
uterus).
On the morning of Transfer Day (11/4) Ben kissed me goodbye
before he left for work and said “Happy Transfer Day!” And a happy transfer day it was! Maggie picked me up at exactly 1:20, just as
she promised. Those of you who know
Maggie know that there are very few events she’s perfectly on time for. This was one of them; she was just as excited
as me. I hopped in her car after she
refused to let me drive and we left for the hospital.
Somewhere in between jokes about getting “knocked up” and
patient registration Maggie remembers that she was supposed to arrive with a
full bladder. Minor detail, NBD. (Hey Ma – NBD means No Big Deal). Maggie heads into Registration and I got her
a bottled water to which she immediately starts chugging. We arrive at the clinic halfway through the
bottle and Mo was already out front in the waiting area. Maggie explains that she’s been downing water
because she forgot about the full bladder thing to which Mo replies “Whoa, just
sip it. We don’t want you to have to pee
that badly.” [or something to that
effect, honestly I was too excited to pay attention and couldn’t help but
notice that everyone in the waiting area was fully enthralled in our pee
discussion]
Mo takes us to the way back where the magic happens. We’re both given fancy clothing to put on – a
johnny for Maggie and the hospital version of a Breaking Bad meth lab suit for
me. Then we wait, she on the stretcher
and me in the chair next to her. Across
from us is a window to another room with computers and other equipment. This is where the IVF docs and nurses are
getting on the “same page” for the procedure.
This is the very moment our Facebook fan page goes live. You allow a couple of multitasking masters like
us to have some idle time and we’ll make full use of it. POW! Created
a Facebook page in the IVF recovery room.
[Also, we have to give a special shout-out to Maggie’s colleagues. You were our first fans and gave us quite the
laugh when you liked our page literally seconds after it went live.]
About twenty-five minutes into the wait, Maggie really has to
pee. No duh! She and Dr Davenport talk about the
possibility of her relieving some but not all of her bladder contents but
she ultimately decides to just hang in there until after the procedure. LIKE A BOSS, MAGGIE, LIKE A BOSS!
Five or ten minutes later we’re headed into the procedure
room. It’s modern, clean and much more
welcoming than the room I had my egg retrieval procedure in. The monitors are LED and the equipment looks
brand new. Mo shows me over to the stool
where the accompanying partner is supposed to sit and I take a seat. That’s when I notice the god-awful stirrups. [I realize now that I should’ve taken a
picture because there’s no good way to describe them. Also, it’s NEVER a good idea to GIS (Google Image
Search) stirrups at work.] They were
unlike anything I’ve seen but I’m willing to bet that if you gave birth to a
Generation Xer, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. They were wide, brown leather stirrups
without the foot pegs and they looked like they had been salvaged from an
underground abortion clinic.
Maggie gets settled into the archaic contraption and Dr
Davenport starts the process of cleaning her cervix and ute. This is the most time-consuming part because,
as you know from Maggie’s previous post, the hormone tablets have NOT been
taken by mouth! Mo is happily giving us
a tour of Maggie’s innards via the ultrasound – “I guess you do have to pee,
Maggie. Here’s your bladder.” A little more poking and prodding and then Dr
Murray steps in to prepare for the transfer.
Mo explains that the embryos are floating in a tiny capsule of solution
which is surrounded on both ends by air pockets. Dr Murray positions the straw-like device
exactly where it needs to be and flushes it, releasing the air pockets and
embryos right into position. Yes, I said
embryos! We decided to transfer two and
doubled our chances.
Below is the ultrasound picture. Not much to see here other than Maggie’s
full bladder (red arrow) and the air pockets surrounding the microscopic embryo
party of 2 (yellow arrow).
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
More Estrogen, Please
I began strengthening my uterus on October 20th. Apparently, in order to provide an optimal environment for the adorable little embryos it is ideal to have a uterine wall that is greater than 7 mm thickness, ideally greater than 8 mm. I was slapping those patches on like a champ when I cheerily skipped to my Tuesday, October 29th ultrasound appointment. The IVF Clinic appointment rooms line a hallway and in between each two patient rooms there is a shared bathroom. When I'm in those bathrooms I constantly recite to myself, "don't forget to unlock the other door." So I can remember. I wonder how many times the hospital staff have to unlock those doors. These were my thoughts as I used the bathroom and then, I heard Jessi's and the doctor's voices.
Awkward! I had to use a great deal of self restraint not to yell out, "hey guys, it's me, Maggie!" I've got a good relationship with the doc's but that might be pushing it.
Based on tone and assumption but certainly not me leaning my ear against the wall to listen, I deduced that there was a doings a transpiring. Then I diligently headed back to my room where I undressed from the waist down and hopped up on the table for an ultrasound that would indicate how my uterine lining was thickening. The doctor came in and we got down to business.
"Oh man!" He says. My uterine had NOT been progressing as he had hoped. F.A.I.L. I immediately blamed myself, asked what I was doing wrong? How I could fix it? What's wrong with me? The doctor assured me that I was not doing anything wrong, but that my uterus was just not responding to the estrogen as quickly as they had hoped. In other news, Jessi was progressing more quickly than they had thought. So that she might be ready to go sooner rather than later. So we would need to boost my estradiol and thicken my uterine wall, or we would have to freeze eggs and wait for my uterus to catch up before doing the transfer. He said it was more important to have an optimal environment than to have freshies. Okay, he didn't say freshies, but I did.
Next stop, blood work. Where Nurse Mo explained that I would have to take additional estrogen so we can try and force my uterus to grow. So in addition to the 4 Vivelle patches on my body and the shot of Lupron I would also get to take 2 doses of estrogen a day.
So yes. I failed my appointment.
Later that day, Ben, Jessi and I received an email from Mo with explicit directions regarding the next few days. It was long, so I'll spare you the details, but not the highlights:
** Retrieval is on Friday!! Jessi has specific rules about meds and not getting jostled.
** I was to take the estrogen tablets-not orally- I can stop the Lupron on Wednesday! And have an additional ultrasound on Friday to monitor progress, which will help determine the rest of the timeline.
**Ben had directions including, but not limited to the words "abstain", "sample", "fresh" and the phrase "not enough staff to receive it."
On Friday, my uterine wall, according to the doctor measuring the lining was still not thick enough. Moments after leaving the room, the doctor came back in the room and said to stay tuned because the "team" was scrutinizing over the image. Next stop, blood work. Again.
It was about a C+ appointment.
Later that day, I was told to start the progesterone, 3 times a day. And to come back in for another ultrasound on Sunday morning. Yay! Fingers crossed for more blood work! And if anyone is keeping track, I now would be taking 2 estrogen tablets and 3 progesterone tablets (not orally) each day and 4 estrogen patches being changed every 3 days.
Jessi and Ben picked me up on Sunday at 8:20 for my 8:45 appointment. We were ready for some answers! When the doctor came in he assured me that no matter what it said on the monitor, that it did not have a bearing on the likelihood of this pregnancy working. This did not convince me, but I nodded anyway, because I think that is how you are supposed to respond to doctor's. Obviously, if it didn't work it would be my insufficient uterus' fault.
Lucky for everyone, my ute was on the up and up. Turns out all those doctor's are not on the same page. They have conversations where they disagree about how each of them measure uterine walls. Plus, additional estrogen helps. And I like to think I've been willing my uterine wall thicker. For real.
And so there you have it. I'm ready. The embryos are ready. And then they give us an appointment.
Monday, November 4th at 2:00 PM.
Awkward! I had to use a great deal of self restraint not to yell out, "hey guys, it's me, Maggie!" I've got a good relationship with the doc's but that might be pushing it.
Based on tone and assumption but certainly not me leaning my ear against the wall to listen, I deduced that there was a doings a transpiring. Then I diligently headed back to my room where I undressed from the waist down and hopped up on the table for an ultrasound that would indicate how my uterine lining was thickening. The doctor came in and we got down to business.
"Oh man!" He says. My uterine had NOT been progressing as he had hoped. F.A.I.L. I immediately blamed myself, asked what I was doing wrong? How I could fix it? What's wrong with me? The doctor assured me that I was not doing anything wrong, but that my uterus was just not responding to the estrogen as quickly as they had hoped. In other news, Jessi was progressing more quickly than they had thought. So that she might be ready to go sooner rather than later. So we would need to boost my estradiol and thicken my uterine wall, or we would have to freeze eggs and wait for my uterus to catch up before doing the transfer. He said it was more important to have an optimal environment than to have freshies. Okay, he didn't say freshies, but I did.
Next stop, blood work. Where Nurse Mo explained that I would have to take additional estrogen so we can try and force my uterus to grow. So in addition to the 4 Vivelle patches on my body and the shot of Lupron I would also get to take 2 doses of estrogen a day.
So yes. I failed my appointment.
Later that day, Ben, Jessi and I received an email from Mo with explicit directions regarding the next few days. It was long, so I'll spare you the details, but not the highlights:
** Retrieval is on Friday!! Jessi has specific rules about meds and not getting jostled.
** I was to take the estrogen tablets-not orally- I can stop the Lupron on Wednesday! And have an additional ultrasound on Friday to monitor progress, which will help determine the rest of the timeline.
**Ben had directions including, but not limited to the words "abstain", "sample", "fresh" and the phrase "not enough staff to receive it."
On Friday, my uterine wall, according to the doctor measuring the lining was still not thick enough. Moments after leaving the room, the doctor came back in the room and said to stay tuned because the "team" was scrutinizing over the image. Next stop, blood work. Again.
It was about a C+ appointment.
Later that day, I was told to start the progesterone, 3 times a day. And to come back in for another ultrasound on Sunday morning. Yay! Fingers crossed for more blood work! And if anyone is keeping track, I now would be taking 2 estrogen tablets and 3 progesterone tablets (not orally) each day and 4 estrogen patches being changed every 3 days.
Jessi and Ben picked me up on Sunday at 8:20 for my 8:45 appointment. We were ready for some answers! When the doctor came in he assured me that no matter what it said on the monitor, that it did not have a bearing on the likelihood of this pregnancy working. This did not convince me, but I nodded anyway, because I think that is how you are supposed to respond to doctor's. Obviously, if it didn't work it would be my insufficient uterus' fault.
Lucky for everyone, my ute was on the up and up. Turns out all those doctor's are not on the same page. They have conversations where they disagree about how each of them measure uterine walls. Plus, additional estrogen helps. And I like to think I've been willing my uterine wall thicker. For real.
And so there you have it. I'm ready. The embryos are ready. And then they give us an appointment.
Monday, November 4th at 2:00 PM.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
An Open Letter to Jessi on My Birthday
(How very Sinead of me!)
Dear Jessi,
Since it's my birthday, I've had the opportunity to reflect a bit and I've decided to impart some of my wisdom as a parent. Your birthday is right around the corner (December 4th) and I want to give you some friendly advice. Enjoy this birthday. Relish it. Remember it always. It's glory. It's simplicity. It's serenity. Because it will never happen again.
First, don't set your alarm. Wake up whenever you want. To the sound of the wind blowing, or birds singing or some peaceful crap like that. Because from now on, you'll be squinching your eyes shut, trying to pretend that you can't hear the shrill noise of your child/ren screaming for you while their father tries to keep them from waking you. You will wish you were sleeping in, but you just won't be able to.
When you do peacefully wake up, let Benny bring you coffee and then read a trashy magazine in bed for like an hour or something. Then throw the magazine on the floor and leave it there all day, because you won't have to shield it from innocent eyes that might mistake the airbrushed quality of the pictures for beauty.
If it's a work day, leisurely get yourself ready and when it's time to walk out the door. Just stroll on out. Start your car and check your Facebook real quick while you wait for it to warm up. In the future, you will get to soothe/convince your 5 year old that she won't have to ride bus 23 around town again and that it will drop her off at dance. What? She doesn't want to go to dance? Oh, no big deal. Just explain to her that you are really sorry that you have to work so late and you wish she could come home right after school too, only she can't because you need to have a job. When she tells you she doesn't care, you should respond that it's your birthday and that she has to care. That TOTALLY works with the 5 year old crowd!
Take care of just you all day long. Get a massage, a pedicure, go to a workout class, have a nice lunch, maybe a little shopping. Next year you will get to do one of those things. Only one.
Have Ben take you out to a delicious, classy dinner. Or have him make you one. Eat slowly. Savor every bite and have a nice bottle of wine. Gaze into Ben's eyes while he tells you how lucky he is to get to be marrying YOU! Because you are pretty awesome, despite your duct tape addiction! If you're out to dinner, make sure he picks up the bill. If you're at home make sure he does the dishes. During the next phase of your life, as your children are providing entertainment at the dinner table and inadvertently knock over there drink and you jump up to get a towel or when you're trying to help get the food on the table, or the children prepared to eat, Ben will try and encourage you to sit back and relax, but you will know that it's just easier for you both to be working together to get this done.
I love my children so very much and all of the responsibilities that go with them, but there is something to be said about those days when you can do nothing but take care of yourself. So do that now. Do it while you can. Your children will be the best thing that ever happened to you. You will love them more than you ever thought you could possible love. And you will fondly remember the moments where you were number one.
Love you girl! So happy I can be your baby holder!
Maggie XO
Dear Jessi,
Since it's my birthday, I've had the opportunity to reflect a bit and I've decided to impart some of my wisdom as a parent. Your birthday is right around the corner (December 4th) and I want to give you some friendly advice. Enjoy this birthday. Relish it. Remember it always. It's glory. It's simplicity. It's serenity. Because it will never happen again.
First, don't set your alarm. Wake up whenever you want. To the sound of the wind blowing, or birds singing or some peaceful crap like that. Because from now on, you'll be squinching your eyes shut, trying to pretend that you can't hear the shrill noise of your child/ren screaming for you while their father tries to keep them from waking you. You will wish you were sleeping in, but you just won't be able to.
When you do peacefully wake up, let Benny bring you coffee and then read a trashy magazine in bed for like an hour or something. Then throw the magazine on the floor and leave it there all day, because you won't have to shield it from innocent eyes that might mistake the airbrushed quality of the pictures for beauty.
If it's a work day, leisurely get yourself ready and when it's time to walk out the door. Just stroll on out. Start your car and check your Facebook real quick while you wait for it to warm up. In the future, you will get to soothe/convince your 5 year old that she won't have to ride bus 23 around town again and that it will drop her off at dance. What? She doesn't want to go to dance? Oh, no big deal. Just explain to her that you are really sorry that you have to work so late and you wish she could come home right after school too, only she can't because you need to have a job. When she tells you she doesn't care, you should respond that it's your birthday and that she has to care. That TOTALLY works with the 5 year old crowd!
Take care of just you all day long. Get a massage, a pedicure, go to a workout class, have a nice lunch, maybe a little shopping. Next year you will get to do one of those things. Only one.
Have Ben take you out to a delicious, classy dinner. Or have him make you one. Eat slowly. Savor every bite and have a nice bottle of wine. Gaze into Ben's eyes while he tells you how lucky he is to get to be marrying YOU! Because you are pretty awesome, despite your duct tape addiction! If you're out to dinner, make sure he picks up the bill. If you're at home make sure he does the dishes. During the next phase of your life, as your children are providing entertainment at the dinner table and inadvertently knock over there drink and you jump up to get a towel or when you're trying to help get the food on the table, or the children prepared to eat, Ben will try and encourage you to sit back and relax, but you will know that it's just easier for you both to be working together to get this done.
I love my children so very much and all of the responsibilities that go with them, but there is something to be said about those days when you can do nothing but take care of yourself. So do that now. Do it while you can. Your children will be the best thing that ever happened to you. You will love them more than you ever thought you could possible love. And you will fondly remember the moments where you were number one.
Love you girl! So happy I can be your baby holder!
Maggie XO
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Like a Rock (post by Jessi)
Two weeks ago, I started self-administering Lovenox
injections. Lovenox is an anti-coagulation drug which helps prevent and/or dissolve blot clots. It’s the devil. These injections are shot into the lower
belly and it feels like molasses mixed with hot sauce and flesh-eating fire ants. Not only does it hurt like the dickens going in (OMG, did I really just use the term "dickens"?), but you continue to feel the burn for twenty minutes following. The area around the injection site becomes very
sore while the skin and fatty tissue beneath is hard, like a rock, for days following.
There’s something completely unnatural about giving yourself
injections – especially when they’re this painful. Shots are supposed to be given by someone
else, right? You, the patient, should
just sit quietly while the nurse prepares the needle, the injection site, jabs
you with it and pushes the plunger while you squeeze your eyes and fists closed,
holding your breath just waiting for it to be over. There is no such luxury with self-administering
shots. I get everything ready to go and
there’s always a moment of hesitation, this tiny little voice that cries out “noooooo!
Why are you doing this to yourself? It’s
going to hurt, BAD!” but then you self-talk yourself into stabbing yourself with the needle and pushing the plunger. After it’s
finished, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief that it’s done, at least until the next
twelve hours rolls around.
 |
| Ever wondered what $2,100 worth of IVF medications looked like? |
About a week ago, I started the hormone injections. Dr Davenport explained that while on these
drugs I would experience intense PMS symptoms.
He said this was going to be a very emotional time for me as my hormone
levels would be higher than ever and I’d probably be uncomfortable from the
ovary stimulation. Surprisingly enough,
I haven’t been the raging bitch I expected to be – comment at your own risk. However, I’m running out of real estate on my
belly and looking forward to the end of these injections.
 |
| 2 things in this picture are hard as a rock. Shotgun wedding anyone? |
And finally, I can’t help but notice the irony in the timing of the next
two weeks:
- 10/29: Benny’s sister, Jay, turns 40 today. Happy birthday Jay!!!!
- 10/30: Maggie The Carrier turns 34. Happy birthday to our beautiful and brave baby belly momma!
- 10/31: Nurse Mo turns 36. Happy birthday to our sweet, dear nurse who spends most of her time with whacked out, hormonal women!
- 11/1: Our BFF, Kate Jerman, turns 34. Happy birthday Kate! I promise not to call you at 7am Eastern Time (3am your time) because I will be headed into the operating room for EGG RETRIEVAL!
- 11/4: Our other BFF, Erin Massey Armstrong, has a scheduled C-Section for baby #2! Happy birthday Baby Armstrong #2!
- And sometime next week, a happy little embryo will transfer to Maggie for the next 39 weeks.
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