Do Your Best

Blog posts seem to be few and far between, but in our defense, we are experiencing the glorious and simple second trimester of pregnancy. Not a lot happens. I continue to feel comfortable, therefore delaying any complaints I may have for Ben and Jessi in the future. BGJ (Baby Girl Jacobs) grows while nestled literally in the lowest part possible in my body. She's been moving and shaking to let me know she's doing ok. She prefers to do this at night and in the morning. She looks good, I don't have gestational diabetes or any issues with my iron intake. Plus, it's summer and my kids are home and enjoying the freedom summer has to offer! I'm spending all of my free time playing with them. But alas, here is the latest blog post in an effort to support all of the new mamas in my life!

My sister recently had her first baby. He is perfect and beautiful and I love him!! I went to visit her and her new little family when he was just 4 days old. On the first night I was there, we all went "to bed" around 10. Well, I went to bed. By myself. In a room with air conditioning which drowned out the sound of any crying babies. I awoke the next morning and emerged from my blissful sleep alone and saw the telltale signs of brand new parents who were working hard all night long to soothe and care for their sweet little bundle of joy through wading through a fog of half-awake reasoning and negotiations with your partner on what the best way to do this is. And I thought to myself, "thank Goddess I don't have to do that again."

It's not that I'm totally against having more babies, although I'm 90% certain I am....It's that first baby that is so hard to figure out. I can clearly remember the hopeless, helpless, emotionally charged first 30 days with my first child. Breast-feeding was so hard for me. Nights were so hard for me. Newborn babies cry and your emotions are raging and it's challenging to figure out what the best thing to do next is.

What makes parenting even harder is what I believe has been dubbed the "Mommy Wars." From the moment a woman announces that she is expecting, the advice starts flying. Sometimes it's helpful and sometimes its hurtful. Here is a short list of things you should refrain from saying:

"You can barely tell you are pregnant."
"Are you sure you aren't having twins? Positive?"
"Should you be eating that?"
"Are you sure you should be doing that in 'your condition'."

Many people feel like they know THE BEST way to be pregnant/give birth/feed your baby/parent. But the fact of the matter is, THE BEST way to be pregnant/give birth/feed your baby/parent is the way it will work best for you, your baby and your family. There is no exact right way. Every experience is just that: an experience.

What makes parenting easier for me is the ability to commiserate with other new parents or people who have had similar experiences. I had a horrible time learning to breastfeed. I muscled through it because I was able to do it and I knew it was "best" for my baby, but I never "loved" it. Especially not with my first. She had a weak latch and never really wanted to work too hard. For the first three months, she would nurse for 45 minutes on one side, then fall asleep and about an hour and a half later she would nurse for 45 minutes on the other side. There was not a "shortage of milk", that's just how it was. I adapted so I could be slightly useful during the day, but it was very challenging. The sling became my best friend and we ordered cable because I was basically sitting on the couch all day long.

When my first turned four months, I developed Mastitis which is an infection in the breast tissue that results in pain, swelling, and redness of the breast. You can also develop fever and chills. I was bleeding while my daughter was nursing and was in extreme pain. I consulted with a lactation consultant who said I should nurse through it, but I was absolutely miserable. I sat on the couch while my kid smiled up at my with blood dripping out of her mouth and burst into tears. My wonderful husband came to the rescue and said, "what if we tried a little formula so your body can heal?" I wept that that would make me a bad mother, a failure. My husband hugged me and told me I would not be a failure or a bad mother. He assured me that I was a great mother and that I could still nurse on one side. We discussed that I would gently pump the injured side while my body healed and then I could resume nursing and we could eliminate the formula. I agreed and we tried it. And my body healed and I resumed breast feeding and everything was fine. I didn't really talk about this a lot, at the time, but I felt so relieved that we had made that choice. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with what I did, despite what some people might think. Were there other options? I'm sure there were, but I didn't choose them and that's ok.

Here's the thing: we are all human beings. We make choices every day about how we want to live and then regardless of the outcome of our choices, life goes on. Since that time of sitting on the couch and worrying about the judgement of others based on my choice to give my kid a little formula, I've realized that it doesn't really matter what other parents do or think. Not only do I feel like I don't care what people think about my parenting, I think I shouldn't necessarily care about the choices other parents make either...I'd love to sit around and chat about what worked or didn't work for me, but I have no idea what "the right thing" to do is for you and your family. And I'm sorry if I ever acted like I did.

To that mom I used to judge in the grocery store while your child was having a meltdown-I'm sorry. I totally get it now. To the parent who lets their kid watch TV so they can finally clean the fridge-Go for it! To the mom who let's their kid play with their IPhone at the restaurant so your kid doesn't lose their mind before the appetizers come-Cheers my friend! To the man on the beach the other day who got his 3 year old to clean up the beach toys with the promise of ice cream-Yes sir, whatever works!

To all the new parents out there, including my sister and Jessi and Ben: Just do your best. Your kids are lucky to have parents that are willing to do whatever it takes to make their lives great! No matter how you choose to be pregnant/give birth/feed your baby/parent, as long as you aren't putting your children in harm's way you are probably doing the right thing! And if not, I'm sure they will tell you when they grow up!

Paging Mrs Jacobs (post by jessi)

Hi, my name is Jessi and it’s been two months since my last post.  What?!  Where has the time gone?  Oh, yeah.  Now I remember.  I GOT MARRIED!  Benny and I tied the knot on July 5^th in front of our closest friends and family at my parent’s camp in North Hero, Vermont.  Jim, Maggie’s husband, officiated the ceremony and he couldn’t have done a better job.  It was a bit windy that day but he had no problems projecting his voice all the way to the back row so that everyone could hear (that’s just one of the reasons he makes such a bad-ass teacher).  Zoey, Jim and Maggie’s adorable daughter, was the proud keeper of the rings.  She nailed it!

At the end of the ceremony, Jim announced that a random guest had an envelope taped under their seat.  This envelope revealed the gender of baby Jacobs.  Everyone simultaneously reached down under to check and up came our dear friend Kate with the envelope.  She opened it and revealed a pink headband to the crowd.  Cheering, clapping and even a little hysterical shrieking ensued.  At least, that’s how I remember it.  When we get our photos, I’ll report back and confirm.

The ceremony was brief but intimate and incredibly meaningful thanks to participation from the Van Duyns.  It really was the best day of our lives.

In other news, I’ve become sympathy pregnant.    

Item #1 - I think I’ve gained more weight than Maggie has.  For real.  I’ve even consulted Dr Google to determine if there are any residual effects of ovary stimulation in search of an answer for my ever tightening jeans.  This can’t possibly be related to something I have actual control over like eating and exercise, could it?  Nah.  Must be my ovaries are still swollen.  Ha!

Item #2 – I have the bowels of a pregnant lady.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Item #3 – I have been nesting something fierce.  Last weekend, I logged 8,000 steps just cleaning the house.  I swept, then vacuumed all the floors and area rugs and then swept again.  I even mopped the floors.  I cleaned behind furniture, scrubbed the shower and toilets, purged and organized the bathroom vanity, and dusted every surface.  This week, I’ve been a culinary genius.  I made a Mexican coleslaw, bacon-avocado-egg salad, feta and bleu cheese stuffed pork chops, and chicken cutlets in a wine and mushroom sauce.  Woohoo, look at me go!  Oh wait, I’m starting to see a correlation with item #1.  Dammitsomuch.

Item #4 – I also have pregnancy brain.  Yesterday, I decided it was finally time to pick up a piece of certified mail that’s been hanging out at the Cambridge post office since, like, forever.  I drove to the Jeffersonville post office because, you know, same town, right?  The town offices are in Jeffersonville so that must also be where the post office is, right?  Wrong.  The Jeffersonville Post Office is more like the Jeffersonville Office of PO Boxes and nothing else. Zip, nada, zilch.  I was completely stupefied when I got there.   Hmmm, where are all the postal workers?  I walked back to my vehicle and consulted Google Maps.   “Oh yeah…,” I slowly murmured to myself, “I drove by it three miles back.”  Uh duuhhhhhh.  I’ve lived in Cambridge for more than a year and I don’t even know where my post office is.  

Stay Strong All Pregnancy Long

I eat a lot of ice cream. I mean, a lot. Maybe an unreasonable amount, but in my defense, it's hot, ice cream is delicious and salad is hard to chew sometimes. That said, I haven't gained an unreasonable amount of weight yet. The only time I've been disappointed with my weight gain was during the last appointment and I'm not really counting that because I had eaten Chinese food the night before which everyone knows makes you retain water and I had a full bladder, so I knocked the actual weight gain down from 4 to 1 pound. I feel good about it.

It's important to me to stay active and healthy during my pregnancy so that post-baby I can get back into shape in a reasonable period of time. Here's what I'm doing to stay strong:

I have been actively engaged in the Zumba® community for about 4 years now and at times in the past 4 years have done Zumba® as many as 5 times a week, sometimes with multiple classes in one day. I've tapered down and added some additional fitness classes, but I still do love Zumba®! I love it so much that in the fall of 2013 I became a Licensed Zumba® Instructor. Catch me Monday nights at Fusion 802 for $5 (Personal plug!). However, all that jumping and hopping and twisting and turning gets a little tiresome for the bump and I am currently only doing my class with the possibility of one additional class per week!!

Secondly, for each of my pregnancies, I have practiced Pre-natal Yoga at Evolution Yoga in Burlington, VT. I adore the studio director, Susan Cline Lucey and she has developed an amazing community for mother's and mother's to be to share their stories of pregnancy and birth in a non-judgemental space. From the moment I began class there when I was 11 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I was hooked and I'm convinced that birth would be more difficult without it-Not that I plan to let myself find out!

My newest discovery in the world of fit pregnancy I discovered right next door to my office. There is a great physical therapy office that recently opened called Peak Performance. They have an amazing smoothie and coffee bar (which was the only reason I had been going there) and while waiting for a delicious smoothie one day this physical therapist named Kristina Marcussen asked when we (my co-workers and I) were going to try Redcord. I begrudgingly said, "I don't know if I can, I'm pregnant." "Oh, congratulations!" she says. To which I most always reply, "it's not mine." And then wait for a reaction. More often then not the recipient of the conversation is at first stunned and unsure what to say. I follow up by saying I'm carrying a baby for a friend. And then the, "oh my God!" "That's so amazing!" "What a gift!" I've tailored my response to just say thank you instead of my old, "anyone would do it, no big deal." I've accepted at this point it is, kind of, a big deal.

So the story goes and Kristina convinces me that I should try Redcord and that it would be great for birth and the pregnancy and post-natal! I'm in! Anything to help me stay fit, strong and get back to business post baby~

When I arrive for my appointment, I realize I had neglected to mention something, so I report to dear Kristina that along with the pregnancy, I also have a back condition called Spondylolisthesis. She is very familiar with "spondy", but for those who aren't, this starts as a stress fracture in the vertebrae (mine was in 5 vertebrae-L1 through L5) and when the fracture weakens the vertebrae slips. I'm fairly certain the "slip" happened during the time that I was nursing Emmet. When the "slip" happened it damaged a nerve in my back which has resulted in some chronic pain which I have easily managed with core work and a small dose of Gabapentin. Gabapentin is not recommended when pregnant so I haven't taken it in quite some time. I was relatively pain free until about a week and half ago. Why the sudden change? I'd venture to guess that the growing bump is affecting the amount of "core strength" I usually maintain.

Kristina leads me through a quick, but challenging routine that seems to isolate my muscles and work on specific areas. I have no idea what muscles she worked on, but it seemed like she hit every single one that would have anything to do with supporting my back and growing belly! So I was basically suspended in the air by these super strong cords and then would have to do the smallest movements to isolate my muscles. The next day I felt sore in muscles I didn't know I had, but my back was free of pain and I felt really strong! It was great and I can't wait for more.

Listen, I'm not going to stop eating ice cream, so I have to find some way to stay in shape. For now, I've got my routine down. Zumba®, Yoga, and Redcord.

Setting up our Breastaurant (post by Jessi)

At one of our required mental health appointments (you know, to validate that neither party to the Baby Jacobs Project was insane or coerced), the therapist mentioned that breastfeeding could be an option for me.  I explained that due to my heart condition, supplemental hormones to trick my body into lactating would probably not be in my best interest.  She said, “You don’t need hormones, it’s possible to induce lactation naturally.”  We were all surprised at this news.  Apparently, if you’re female and have a properly functioning pituitary gland, you can produce milk.  Sorry, Focker.

So what does naturally inducing lactation look like?  In one word:  commitment.   Everyone knows the benefits and all of the reasons why breast is best but just exactly what is involved in getting your body to do this in the absence of pregnancy?  Most online resources I’ve found read something like this:

The major drawbacks of induced lactation mainly involve the time and effort required to be successful. Stimulating the production of milk requires huge dedication and commitment, as breast pumping and stimulation needs to be performed 6 to 12 times a day, including night-time sessions which involve waking up in the early a.m.

6-12 times a day?  Ok, I guess that makes sense.  I can handle that and continue to research.

You will probably experience fatigue and increased hunger, as your body believes it is eating for two. You should increase your calorie intake by about 200 calories per day, but try to make healthy food choices in order to minimize weight gain.

Ha!  I’m definitely NOT going to increase my caloric intake, I’m taking this lactation train to skinny city.  Go on, tell me more.

If you decide to go down the breast pump only route (no hormones), you will need to begin pumping at least two months before the arrival of the baby. You will need to set a strict schedule, pumping every 2 to 3 hours, for 15 to 20 minutes at a time.  You will also need to include at least one night time pumping session, as your body's natural prolactin levels are highest between 1 am and 5am, so it's important to take advantage of this fact.

Pfft, big deal!  I can do this.  Might as well get a head start on my disrupted sleep cycle early, right?  

And then it gets weird.

If your baby has not yet arrived, you can still use the suckling method to induce lactation - you just need to get your partner to do it instead. This requires a huge commitment from both partners, but can be quite effective and can actually create a deeper connection between the two of you. It is essential that your partner learns the correct latching on and suckling technique, and that you stick to a strict schedule.

Alrighty then!  Yeah, um, no.  I think we’ll let the baby suckle and if the milk doesn’t come in, we’ll switch to formula.  

Talk to Me Like I'm A 5 Year Old

I have been thinking about talking to Zoey about being a gestational surrogate for weeks now. When people who know about the pregnancy approach me or I see them for the first time in a while I frantically whisper that they should say NOTHING about the pregnancy and then awkwardly motion toward my children while shaking my head. Then I stare at my children to ensure that they continue to be completely unaware that anything at all has changed. This series of motions deters people from talking about pregnancy. It also appears that along with the pregnancy, I have developed paranoia and a lack of gross motor impulse control.

My desire to keep friends, along with the fact that my stomach now sticks out farther than my boobs, has made me realize that it's time to tell the kids. Emmet (3 year old boy), I believe, will have very little awareness or care. Zoey on the other hand, is currently obsessed with live babies. She has never really been into baby dolls that much, but recently my close friends and relatives have started to have babies and she just can't get enough of them. She holds them, tries to pick them up and googoos and gagas all over them. It's adorable and I love it. She also has been telling me, in the past 6 months that she thinks we should have a third baby in our house, to which I usually reply that we aren't going to have more babies in our house. So you can see my apprehension.

For about 2 weeks now, I've been waiting for the subject to "naturally" come up. I'm sure in your own household the topic of gestational surrogacy is a common theme....Oh, no? Us either. So that didn't work. 

But today, I decided was the day.

After a long day of playing with a neighborhood friend Zoey came home tired and filthy. She participated in Green Up Day by picking up trash on a local road and had had some sort of sticky substance in her hair since the previous night so into the bath she went. Which was perfect. I had her trapped!

I had no idea how she was going to react. I have been thinking about it so much. Many people who know me and my family have asked how I think Zoey will react and I have answered honestly. some people feel that she will "understand some day" or that "she'll be fine". I just don't know. I guess I have thought that she would be fine, and sad, and understand some day, and wonder why we couldn't keep the baby, and not understand at all.  

Months ago when I spoke to a therapist my plan had been to tell her that Jessi's belly was broken and so I was going to carry her baby for her. But when I started to talk to her, I forgot my script completely and just told her the truth. 

I told her that Jessi and Ben want to have a baby, to which she got really excited! She loves Jessi and Ben and this was another baby in her life! Then I told her that Jessi couldn't carry the baby inside her belly because it would hurt her heart too much, so I was going to carry the baby for them and then when the baby was born, that we would give it back to Jessi and Ben. Zoey got a huge smile on her face and said, "so we're going to get another cousin!!" I exhaled a great sigh of relief! If this is the first reaction she has I think we are in good shape! "Yes, it will be like another cousin!"

The conversation that followed hit all of the areas I expected. When will the baby come? Is it in your belly now? How long has it been there? If we have the baby at night will we just give it to Jessi and Ben the next day? Can we keep it for a day? Is it a boy or a girl? I think it's a girl. What's her name?

Zoey understood that I was pregnant and the baby was inside my body. She wanted to touch the baby and we talked about being able to feel the baby kick. Thankfully, we did not discuss how babies are made. I'm not really mature enough for that conversation yet.

Zoey did express that she still thinks that we should have another baby in our house, but that we should have it now, and then later we'll give the other baby to Jessi and Ben. I tried to tell her that if I had another baby then I wouldn't be able to give her as much attention as I do now. But she wasn't concerned about that. I think she'll still push for baby number three!

A Sweet Goodbye

Dear Assisted Fertility Programs,

I'm writing a letter to sincerely thank you for all you have done for us. Jessi, Ben, myself and our families would not be in this amazing, exciting, fertile position if it weren't for your assistance. I truly am so appreciative and in awe of the scientific advances the world has made to get us where we are today. I have learned so much during this time. Truly. Thank you.

But goodbye. Goodbye IVF clinic. Goodbye Mo, and Dr. D and the rest of the nurses and doctors I was friendly with at times and spit venom toward at others. Goodbye.

Goodbye Fertility "F&*^*n" Pharmacy. Even though your customer service and delivery improved throughout time, I'm not sure if Jessi or I will ever reference your business without reminiscing about the horrors and late night mishaps. After tomorrow, I will gladly retire using your patches, your vaginal suppositories, your self-administered stabbings, among other medications. Goodbye.

Goodbye to the ever reliable Interweb to weigh our odds about whether or not this would be successful. Goodbye statistics on "infertility treatments" and "IVF miscarraige rates" and "ectopic pregnancy". Goodbye.

Tomorrow we start a new chapter in this story. We have our FIRST actual pre-natal appointment at Maitri. And although we will always be grateful for the assistance you have provided, we are ready......so incredibly ready, to move on.


Peace,
Jessi, Ben, Maggie, Jim and our ever-loving families XO
                                                                                 

Week 8 Update! (post by jessi)

Before writing this post I read over Maggie’s last entry and it seems as if years have passed since winter storm Vulcan graced us with its presence.  At that time, we knew there was a sac and it was perfectly situated in her uterus.  The relief we all enjoyed, however, only lasted a few short days.

Six days later on March 20^th, I received a phone call from Maggie to which she started by saying “Everything’s fine, but…”  Yeah, I thought to myself, then why are you calling me on a random Thursday?  She went on to say that she had some spotting but an ultrasound was able to confirm the sac will still there.  However, because the doctors could not detect a heartbeat at the time, we only had a 50/50 chance of the embryo surviving.  She was 5 weeks, 6 days.  According to Dr Google, heartbeats can be detected as early as 6 weeks.  In my mind, she was 6 weeks and this was devastating news that we never expected.

We already had an appointment on the books to check for a heartbeat on Monday, March 24^th but the docs said because they couldn’t detect it at 5 weeks 6 days, they didn’t think they’d be able to detect it at our next scheduled appointment four days later.  For follow up purposes, they told Maggie they’d keep the appointment on 3/24 in case she continued to have more spotting over the weekend but if not, they’d see us all back on 3/31 to check for a heartbeat. 

Unfortunately, there was more spotting over the weekend. 

We texted on Sunday night and she told me she was going in on 3/24, the day that was supposed to be our “see the heartbeat appointment.”  I apologized for the shitshow this journey had turned into, she apologized for having to continually give us bad news and I asked her to email or text me with whatever information she came away with.

10 minutes after her scheduled appointment time on Monday morning, I got the heartbeat video y’all saw on Facebook two weeks ago.  I couldn’t believe it.  I literally thought I was going to vomit. 

Once a heartbeat is detected, the risk of miscarriage is about 10%.  I was much happier with these odds and surprisingly, the last two weeks have been somewhat normal for me emotionally (when compared to the major/minor meltdowns and crying fits of the last few months).   

Today was our 8 week (8 weeks, 3 days to be exact) check-up to confirm viability and we are all elated to announce that the embryo has graduated to a fetus with a strong, normal heart rate and is currently on track with expected growth.  The risk of miscarriage has dropped from 10% to less than 1.5%!!!

So, for lack of any additional creative energy, I leave you with my top ten lessons learned from IVF start to fetus viability.  In no particular order:  

1. Listen to your mother.  My mom has never wavered in her firm belief that this third and final try would work out.  Yes, at times, I wanted to stab her with a syringe because she refused to commiserate with me and instead sent me pictures of blooming hibiscus plants.  In the end she was right, as always. 
2. Knowledge is power but it’s comes with a lot of unnecessary worry.  Remember that ignorance is bliss when it comes to the science of baby making.  Trust your doctor, stay off the internet and remember that everyone’s situation is unique.  MBA research skills be damned.
3. Booking a week-long vacation to Mexico on a whim literally minutes after you receive your less-than-favorable egg retrieval fertilization report can be quite cathartic.  We leave Friday April 25^th.  Mas cerveza por favor.
4. Your friends and family can and will make you cry at the drop of a hat with a nice letter in the mail or a sweet text/email.  We are completely and utterly overwhelmed by the love and support of those we see regularly, occasionally and only-on-the-interwebs friends & family.  Thank you all for reaching out to us – we’ll always remember those sweet gestures of love.
5. Limbo sucks.  Weeks of waiting to see which direction our lives were headed was not fun.  Unfortunately, there’s no way around this one.  Just roll with it.
6. Cautious optimism will become a frequently used term in your vocabulary.  Get used to it.
7. Gestational surrogacy with a BFF intensifies each and every one of the exhilarating happy days as well as the dark sad days that come along with IVF treatment.  I’ll never forget those dark days when we questioned our choices and felt absolutely terrible that Benny and I were the only reason Maggie would ever have to experience a miscarriage. On the other hand, I couldn’t imagine a stranger sharing in our happiness on the good days like Maggie and Jim do.  Peaks and valleys are inevitable, we’re so lucky to experience them in extremes with these people we love.
8. Ditch your expectations.  Shit’s going to happen on its own schedule if you’re lucky enough for it to happen at all.  The world owes you nothing. 
9. Multiply whatever you think it’s going to cost by three.
10. Hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time is a priceless moment in time that nothing else can compare to.  Thank you, Maggie, for giving us this opportunity.